Will a broken heart ever mend?

Life has never been an easy journey for me, alot of things happened to me when I was just a child that led me to have no faith in love, even more than that , it led me to lose faith in the possibility that someone could ever love a person like me. I don't know if others have ever felt the way I have, but from the time I was a little girl I have always seen myself as a second hand, as a hand me down. I was never good enough to be in the popular group of kids, my teeth were crooked, I had a silly smile and I was a child in constant turmoil. My family was far from perfect, there was alot of anger and violence in my home. I never saw hugs or kisses, a family that sat together and ate dinner was like a fairy tale in a book somewhere and a young girl took on responsibilities that most people dont do until they are way older.

I never got close to people or dared to begin friendships, I was never in one school long enough to be comfortable enough to make a friend and enjoy the type of things you might do with a best friend. So as I grew up and became adult , all those insecurities followed me. My first relationship with the man that was my first husband was filled with controlling, obsessive, and abusive painful years. I was lost and wanted to get out, but was to young, naive and scared to make a run for it. I began to believe that I deserved to be treated this way, that remember I was a hand me down and that no one was ever gonna love me.

I finally did get out of that marriage, and I started a new life on my own. But the damage was done, all those years of feeling worthless, lonely and unwanted had taken their toll on me. I was 28, single, and all I wanted was someone to love me, to say nice things to me and to treat me like a queen. Then came along my second failed attempt at love. A man who was a con and preyed on the weak hearts of woman came into my path and led me down a dark road that I would add to the list of things wrong with me.

So finally when I did meet someone who did truly love me with all my flaws and cracks, I was so blind and distorted that I couldn't see him for what he was, I let him slip right through my fingers. I destroyed the one love that had ever really wanted to be there for me and with me. I did things because I couldn't deal with the way I felt about myself that I pushed him away.

So now I start over, and I begin to search for the real thing, Gina. She has been the one who has been lost this whole time. She needs to be found, she has been lost for way to long. She isn't that bad of a person, its been me the whole time I have been looking for, There is a woman who has been hiding and she wants to see the sun. She wants to be able to have someone love her for the person she really is not the person that others have made her.

A Christmas Miracle

Well it's Christmas time again, and while most people are filled with the holiday cheer, I find myself stressed and worried. Three days ago I had a knock on my door, when I answered the door, I was faced with the most awful situation I could have ever imagined. There was a man from the City department, he was here to inform me that by this Friday I would have to be out of my home, the home where I have lived for the last year. Apparently the man who was renting this house to me had failed to complete the purchase and doesn't own the house, not to mention he hasn't paid the property taxes or the water in over two years. So, the city is foreclosing on the property and we have to move. I have called every office and church that I can find, I have spoke with lawyers and city officials, and there is nothing that can be done.

So, my only option at this point is to look for some where to live. I have found a place, but I am having trouble getting the money together to obtain this place . I normally wouldn't even ask any of my friends or family for help like this, but I have exhausted all other means, and I don't know what else to do, so if you can make a donation, even if it's only a dollar, anything would be of help and great appreciation. Thank you all for reading, God bless you and I hope you holidays are filled with joy and happiness.

~~ Gina ~~

Prayer for the miner

The recent mine accident in West Virginia has again brought the reality to many of us, especially those of us who either grew up in a mining town, had a father or grandfather in the mines, or are married to a miner, and like me who have a child who has worked the mines, that life is all but way too short. I know that myself, I often let the hassles of daily life carry me from day to day, and i often don't take the time out to remember those things that are the most important, like my family and friends. I pray for the families of the lost, missing, and surviving miners and their families. Please lift them up in your prayers too, let them know that the dangerous work they do and have done, was never in vain, that we all so appreciate them giving their lives for us. Mining isn't like fighting a war, but what those miners bring forth from the earth, make all of our lives a little easier to live, so pray for the miners, give a hug to their family, and always remember to love your family and friends, tomorrow isn't ever promised to us, so love today like there is no tomorrow. Here is the prayer for a miner's child.

Prayer Of A Miner's Child

(Shirley Hill)

He's just an old coal miner, Lord,

That's all he's ever been.

He's worked his life away in mines

With all the other men.

So keep him safe and be with him

When he goes in that mine;

And also help him stay away

From the unemployment line.

Stay by his side in all he does,

He's a-getting tired, you know.

His hair is changing color fast,

And his age has began to show.

I know some day he'll leave this earth

And I will stay behind.

But when he leaves, I hope it's not

Caused by that old coal mine.

I want the very best for him,

I don't want him to be sad.

Because, dear Lord, I think you know,

This coal miner is my dad.

My son Dustin Please Read

For many of you who have known me or followed what happened to my son Dustin, he was shot this past July for no reason by a man who apparently had some major issues. Well my son has been in trial for the last three days, and the outcome wasn't what any of us expected, Gary Wayne Boggs, the man who shot my son in cold blood, was found not guilty, due to a grave technicality. My son died twice before doctors were able to stabilize him. He was in the hospital for over a month, and when he finally got out, after fighting daily, to come home with me. Everyday was a struggle, my son has a colostomy, and we had to learn how to clean it and care for it. He had a large open wound in his stomach, where he was shot with a shot gun, that had to be cleaned everyday and re dressed, an I cant even begin to tell you how painful that was for my son. I have had to watch my son wake up with bad dreams, no nightmares, I have had to watch him cry because of the pain and he has asked over a million times, why me mom? and do you even know how that feels to not be able to answer your child?

So now, this horrible man, who only spent eight months in jail, is home tonight, and laughing because he got away with almost killing my son. I haven't lost faith in the justice system, but I will tell you that I am extremely disappointed. So i am asking for all my friends to help if you can. My son has a colostomy bag, and the supplies are very expensive. The DA's office was paying for these items, but now that the case is over, they will not be helping any longer. My son has no medical insurance, and no state agencies will help because of his age, and because his son doesn't live with him. So I am starting a medical fund for my son to help him with the supplies he needs. So if you can afford a dollar or two, please hit the donation button, and make a donation. And please pray for Dustin and our family.

Just a Thought....

I just finished watching the movie The Blind Side. I don't know if any of you have seen this movie yet, but if you haven't, you need to watch it. When I watch movies that touch me, it makes me start to think about things, things I normally don't give as much attention to as I should. I won't give away the movie, but I will say this, Family is a very important thing, and I think that most people take the fact of having a family for granite. I mean, most people, and I am guilty of this myself, don't take the time to think how lucky we are to have a family we can call our own. Family doesn't have to be what most of us believe the definition is, a mother, a father, sisters, brothers, grandparents, etc. Family is simply a place where YOU feel you belong. I have taken for granite that I have a mother, a father, siblings, and an extended family. I have never stopped, not for long at least, to think, I could be that person out there who doesn't have those people in their lives, or if they do, their father, mother, etc, may not be there for them in the capacity as mine have.

It makes me realize that there are children out there who don't have parents, and if they do they have no idea who they are. Can you even imagine how heartbreaking that could possibly be?? Or people who have lost their family in horrible accidents, etc. You see, what I am getting at, is family doesn't just have to be the people who you are born too...Families consist of many different situations, grandmother's who raise their grandchildren, aunts and uncles who stand in the parental role, and in many cases adoptive parents. Families can and often are, a group of people who love and care for one another. Friends fall into that category, friends, true friends, are family in all the sense of the word. In closing, just remember this, the next time you meet someone, you befriend someone, treat that person like you would your family, the ones you love, you never know, that person may not have a family and the love and compassion you show them may be life changing, it may give them hope that not all is lost, that there are people out there who care about them, when they have all but given up that no one does. Like my granny used to say, " To man this is possible, but to GOD ALL things are possible."

Poem

I guess this blog is more about me than anything else. For many of you who know me personally, you know I haven't had an easy life, but then again who has. Many of he bad things that happened to me were of no fault of my own, and some of the bad things happened because of poor choices that I have made. But because of that mixture of experiences, I have become the person I am today. If you were to ask people who are close to me, they might tell you that, "Gina is a happy person, she always making us laugh," " She loves her kids" " She is a good friend, always there when you need her", but to others, who don't know what I have been through, well the response might be a little different, they might use such words to describe me as, cold, stand offish, or guarded. I sometimes have to stand back and take a look at myself and wonder if I am any of those things that people may see. I guess I may seem a little guarded at times, it used to be real hard for me to trust people but even more than that I had a harder time forgiving people for the wrongs they had committed towards me. But a person once told me that forgiveness is giving up all hope that I can somehow change the past. WOW what an eye opener, I mean the past is gone, I cant get it back so why carry around the baggage of all those painful memories>>>? So I live today with kinda that same moto...why stress about yesterday when it is gone??? and why worry about tomorrow when it isn't even here? So I live for today, simple as that.

Well I am rambling on, but I wanted to share this poem with you all, please leave your thoughts on this or any comments :)

Little Girl With Inner Strength and Forgiveness...

I don't know how 'you' do it I am told

how you allow forgiveness to show,

I must start at the beginning where it all began

my fellow friend

as my heart I hope to extend

with sincerity that won't end

Inner strength and resolve hides deep

to those that must learn to seek

from the hurtful pains caused by a creep

or shall I say a manipulative leech

To me it all fits

I have to sadly admit

when sexually abused used like a wife

you hold deep a lot of inner-strife

Not knowing where to turn

makes that pain continuously burn

as time goes on

you hear that familiar happy song

Of learning to let go

you must in order to grow

strength is what you learned

from the bad memories that burned

In your heart you try hard not to dwell

you realize being closed like a clamshell

your heart won't propel

as you "think" all you can do

Is sink further into your once living hell

as few happy memories begin to gel

your anxiety is quelled

as you hear the tiny voice of little belle

Calling you back home

a restless heart

no longer needing to roam

the coast is clear, you were never alone.

Super Bowl Weekend

Hi all, Just wanted to see how everyones super bowl Sunday is going??? I am sitting here waiting for the game to start, can't believe I am not out somewhere watching the game, but who wants to go out in weather like this. We got like 4 inches of snow the other day and it is cold as all get out. I hope more of my friends and family will add this blog to their page, and join to follow, I am still in the new stages of adding posts, but as time goes on I hope to post at least every other day. I am working on some new artwork, and hopefully will post in a week or so :) so keep your eyes open for that and post a comment on your favorite. OK so go and watch some football, cause I know I will be :) GO COLTS !!!!!!!!!

Whatever

Why does life in general have to be so damn complicated? why is that most people want what they can't have or are so unhappy with what they have??? What happened to being grateful for the lesser things? you know like a warm place to sleep, food to eat, clothes to wear??? Why is it that some people just search and search for the end of the rainbow, but when they think they found it they realize there is no pot of gold....but instead of learning from that lesson, they keep searching for the end of another rainbow? Or better yet, why do some set expectations so high, and then they are broken when it doesn't turn out the way they want it....I myself, expect the worst and hope for the best, I believe that if I don't expect too much, then when I get something more, then it is a bonus....life is too damn short, I don't have time to sweat the small shit, and I don't rent things in my brain for free, at least things that aren't important....I believe in let go and let God...If it is meant to be, it will be, if you are meant to have it, you will, and if you will allow it to come into your life.....happiness isn't far from your reach.

Very First Post!!!!

Welcome, this is my first of many posts. I am glad you decided to stop by and show my blog some love. Please make sure and become a follower, so you can stay in touch with me and see what's in this twisted place I call my mind. For those of you who know me, then you know all to well what I am talking about. I know, I know, it is a crazy place, but there is alot of talent and good in there, just trust me LOL. I will from time to time post my newest artwork that I have done on here, maybe a new song or video that I like, and I will also surely just ramble on about whatever hits me. So, feel free to leave a comment, a suggestion, or what ever crosses your mind.